Goodbye Love

I have agonized over this blog post--to the point that I've left it for over a week, knowing that I don't have the words to describe the depth of emotion that I have about this mobilization. It's just hard to describe my feelings because I don't even understand them myself. It goes something like this. WAY back at the beginning of August, Brent announced to me that there was a possibility that he was going to be mobilized to Afghanistan. I'll never forget that moment. We were in the car on the way to his parent's house, surrounded by our beautiful(but mercifully not listening) children. That bit of news hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember the breathless terror that I felt, the fear of the unknown, the knowledge that I was going to have to walk a journey alone that I was positive I wasn't prepared for. As a Reserve family we're prepared for this news, but never really prepared for this reality. So many things flashed through my mind, but the most important was "How in the world are we going to tell our sweet babies?" It makes me cry even now to think of it. It's one thing for me to deal with Brent's absence. I can understand the importance of his commitment, be proud of his sacrifice and have an understanding of the timeline of his absence. Our children are simply not at an age where they can understand any of this. Every single day must feel like an eternity to them and they certainly can't comprehend me when I tell them how many weeks or months Daddy will be away from us. We decided that for their sake, we wouldn't tell them until about a week before Brent actually departed. We strove to pack as much family time and fun into the weeks before he left.

I remember feeling so relieved when we actually received Brent's orders and realized that he'd only been mobilized for four months...120 days. I could do this, I think. I remember feeling proud, so proud of the man that he is and the way that he faces this challenge and all other challenges with the assurance that God will give him the strength and ability to complete any task. I remember feeling so loved as the church got together for a Goodbye Potluck in his honor. Many of my family members attended and I so appreciated their support.

I remember feeling as though, even though a large part of my security was being ripped away from me, God was providing others who would lend me support and love that would allow me to make it through this time.

I remember thinking about the times that Brent has been away from us before. Certainly, we haven't done anything like a deployment to a war zone before, but from our previous military separations, I knew that I could live without him, but that my heart would feel sore and incomplete until he returned to me again.

I will never forget the relief I felt when we finally told the kids about Daddy's deployment. Although they had lots of questions, there was no crying and no fear from them. Thankfully, they're too young to realize the implications of his deployment and the danger which he would be in--we didn't enlighten them.

>I struggled with fear as the day of his departure dawned. Fear of the unknown, fear for his safety, fear for my sanity. Fear that we'd rarely get to communicate, fear that we'd grow apart as a couple and as a family while he was away. Thankfully, God has taken that fear and given me assurances. I have been assured that He continues to hold me in the palm of His hand and provide for us. I could not have imagined the outpouring of support and love that we've had from family and friends. We've received dinners, invitations and babysitting from those who love us and want to support us. I do NOT know what I would have done without that support. I have found joy, great joy, in the fact that we've been able to talk nearly every day of his deployment and that Skype has allowed the children to see him and hear him at the same time. What a wonderful resource.
Now I'm feeling a profound sense of relief. He'll be back home and in our arms within the next two weeks. We've almost made it. I won't say that it hasn't been rough, even agonizing in places, but we are happy and excited to be a compete family once again. We humans are made for companionship and even when surrounded by other people, your heart can feel broken as you yearn for that ONE person who you want to share everything with. Yes, we did have to say goodbye to our love, and we've been a little lost without him, but God has amazed us with His LOVE and provision for us. Always. We are so blessed.